blubbering over the one gift lost
he found himself blubbering at the loss of organized ball, his one gift and other love, his own stupidity and lack of discipline, that blasted cocksucking Ethan From, his Mom's Sir Osis and vegetabilization and his failure after four years ever yet to visit, feeling suddenly lower than bottom-feeder-shit, standing over hot laminates and Polaroid squares and little stick-on D.M.V. letters for rich blond male boys, in the blazing winter light, blubbering amid fraudulent stink and tear-steam.
Context
The addict's grief comes "out of emotional nowheres" and totals the bill at once: the sport the Substances took, the discipline he couldn't keep, the mother rotting unvisited across the span, and himself lower than bottom-feeder-shit forging licenses in an empty apartment. This is the weeping that arrives unbidden and complete — the whole cost of the using surfacing through a punter's ghostly image on a fenced TV — and it lands two days before the assault that starts the descent toward Billerica. The bottom seen from inside, before he has the word for it.