The psych-ward interview: kill vs. hurt, the all-over horror, the frightening smile, the plea for ECT

pivotal · ? YDAU

• When: ? YDAU, fifth-floor psych ward, on Specials (Suicide-Watch); three days after the OD
• What: The load-bearing scene. Interviewed by a resident (Doctor's POV), Kate draws her central distinction — she was not trying to hurt herself but to kill herself, to "just stop being conscious" ("I wanted to just stop being conscious"; a long coma or shock would have served) — and insists the depression is not "sadness" or a peaceful blue state but a total-body affair: "I feel it all over. In my arms and legs... My head, throat, butt. In my stomach," a horror worse than nausea, as if every cell were nauseous and could not throw up, and would feel that way forever. She fears the feeling "more than I fear anything, man. More than pain, or my mom dying." She gives the doctor "a frightening smile, a smile empty of all affect," and — having been through this before — asks not for talk but for treatment: ECT again, or her belt back. She names the associated word: Hope / Bob Hope (marijuana; see event 3). She weeps for real at the end.