Gately and Joelle talk veil and U.H.I.D. (pp. 534–535)
‘Well Mr. Gately what people don’t get about being hideously or improbably deformed is that the urge to hide is offset by a gigantic sense of shame about your urge to hide. You’re at a graduate wine-tasting party and improbably deformed and you’re the object of stares that the people try to conceal because they’re ashamed of wanting to stare, and you want nothing more than to hide from the covert stares, to erase your difference, to crawl under the tablecloth or put your face under your arm, or you pray for a power failure and for this kind of utter liberating equalizing darkness to descend so you can be reduced to nothing but a voice among other voices, invisible, equal, no different, hidden.’
Context
The phenomenology of being stared at, from inside: not just the stares but the starers' shame about staring, doubling the deformed person's own. The prayed-for "liberating equalizing darkness" that reduces you to "a voice among other voices" is also, in one clause, the entire logic of Joelle's other life as a radio voice — Madame Psychosis is U.H.I.D. doctrine as a broadcast format. (Carlisle glosses the wine-tasting party as autobiography — M.I.T. doctoral years, pre-veil; recorded, not adopted.)