the wanting-to-stop loop from inside — "But then so how come I…"

The powerlessness paradox voiced by a man with no septum left: he has wanted, with his whole heart, to stop the coke the entire time he couldn't — so how can wanting be the thing that stops him, and how can meetings help if he already wants what they're supposed to make him want. The question the whole doctrine exists to answer, asked here at its rawest, by someone standing inside the loop and unable to see its edge.